From the recording Greggest Hits Vol. 2

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First Place Winner for "Best Comedy/Novelty Song" in the "Just Plain Folks Music Awards."
(The Grammys for People You Never Heard Of.)

My friend Richard Helm and I laughed our heads off writing this. We thought it was such a fun, goofy idea: a comical relationships re-frame, totally based in reality.
At the time, I was also co-hosting a wellness workshop with a friend, so I ran it by the group for more "side effects" suggestions. We got some good ones.
This was recorded with a very lively audience of 150 or so, at a concert in Overland Park KS, a suburb of Kansas City.


(Greg Tamblyn Richard Helm)

Do you suffer from common loneliness
Like something in your life is missing
There's a drug you’ve probably heard of
A natural high called kissing
Kissing every day melts your blues away
A sudden lift in mood
The more you kiss the greater your bliss
Common side effects include:

Sweaty palms, heavy breathing, goose bumps, damp knickers, foolish remarks, baby talk, chapped lips, self help books, phone calls at midnight, flower shops, sudden trips to the drugstore, insomnia, chocolate

Do you need something stronger
Kissing’s just not powerful enough
There's a riskier remedy
It’s generic name is making love
The potency of this drug is awesome
Like cruising at a higher altitude
Burns more calories than a 10K run
Common side effects include:

Emotional attachment, fear of commitment, euphoria, panting, spontaneous screaming, new toys, strange pills, endorphin overload, loss of bodily control, frequent contact with latex, addiction, babies

Lovemaking but still lonely
Don't be quick to disparage
You just need a lifetime dose
Sacred drug called marriage
Being someone else's universe
Will change your attitude
But you'll need a legal prescription
Common side effects include:

In-laws, counseling, credit card debt, meat loaf, tupperware parties, riding mowers, Saturdays at Home Depot, practical birthday presents, holidays with strange relatives, enlargement of butt or belly, teenagers

If these side effects become too much
You'll need a different drug of course
To counteract all these results
Takes strong medicine--divorce
The danger with this drug
Is that you'll start a family feud
That's crude and lewd
And comes unglued
And leaves you feeling screwed
And waiting to be sued
Tendency to brood
Optimism skewed....
Common side effects include:

Despair, euphoria, Despair, euphoria, Despair, euphoria, personal growth, custody battles, lunch with lawyers, itemization of personal idiosyncrasies, adds in personal columns, freedom, loneliness, freedom, loneliness, freedom, loneliness...

Do you suffer from common loneliness
Like something in your life is missing
There's a drug, it’s over-the-counter
Safe and natural, called kissing.....

© 2002 Ramblin' Tamblyn Music, BMI
Taylor-Helm Music, ASCAP