* With apologies to Nate Bargatze, Joe Posnanski, and Saturday Night Live…
NFL GUY: We have 2 guys on the team who do nothing the rest of the team do.
Player: What do they do?
They kick.
Player: Just kick?
Right.
Player: But why TWO kickers?
They kick differently.
Player: Huh?
One drops the ball, one kicks from the ground.
Player: Why can’t one person do both?
Nobody knows.
Player: Do they do anything else?
No.
Player: Do they block?
No.
Player: Run?
No.
Player: Pass?
No. Only in emergencies.
Player: Catch?
No.
Player: Tackle?
No. Only in emergencies.
Player: Are they important?
One is critically involved in the scoring.
Player: Wait, he doesn’t run, pass, catch, block, tackle, or do anything the rest of the guys do, but he’s vital to the scoring?
Yes.
Player: Why?
Nobody knows.
Player: What about the other kicker?
He tries to keep the other team from scoring.
Player: And he doesn’t run, pass, catch, block, or tackle either?
No.
Player: Do they get paid a lot of money?
Yes.
Player: Just for kicking?
Yes.
Player: Do the other players envy them or hate them?
We don't care.
Player: But in rugby the kickers are all regular players.
So?
Why can’t they do that in football?
Nobody knows.
©2025 Greg Tamblyn