Lyrics

RAILROAD BILL
(Andy Breckman)
© Andy Breckman Music, BMI


Railroad Bill he was a hard living man
He used to take his women two at a time
And everyone agreed he was the baddest engineer
That ever driven down the Santa Fe line

His name was known from the folks back home
To the tippy top of Telegraph Hill
And all the little boys when they were sneakin' cigarettes
Used to dream about Railroad Bill

Now one day Bill was walking along
And he saw a kitten up in a tree
When he saw what's the matter he ran to get a ladder
To set that kitty cat free

And Bill said, No. Ain't gonna do it
Ain't gonna climb up no tree
This is a stupid stupid song
And no folksinger's gonna make a fool out of me

I said one day Bill was walking along
And he saw a kitten up in a tree
When he saw what's the matter he ran to get a ladder
To set that kitty cat free

And Bill said, No. Ain't gonna do it
Ain't gonna do what you said
This is a stupid stupid song and as far as I'm concerned
That cat can stay‘ there till it's dead

I said wait a minute Bill, you can't argue with me
For God's sake I just made you up
I got the pen in my hand, I want you up in that tree
And I want that cat unstuck

And Bill said no, I hate cats
Ain't gonna climb for no cat
Why don't you have me save some beautiful girl
Who's been tied on a railroad track

I said maybe there'll be room in the 8th or 9th verse
But right now I want you up in that tree
I'm the writer, man, I got the pen in my hand
And you're supposed to listen to me

He said you slimeball, why should I listen to you
You should be listening to me instead
I'm a railroad man and if I was real
I'd separate your face from your head

You ungrateful brute, I cried, you've pushed me too far
I gotta show you I can do as I please
So then an earthquake came and it shook the whole terrain
And it brought Railroad Bill to his knees

Then a tidal wave broke and everything got soaked
And Bill was almost completely washed away
And then… a big green monster from the planet Neptune landed
And bit Railroad Bill on the leg

I got the pen in my hand, I can do what I want
I'm a bright new young talent on the rise
So get your butt up that tree or I swear you ain't gonna
Get out of my folk song alive

He said you don't scare me
You might be funny but you don't scare me
And if you don't leave me alone I'm gonna tell everyone
Where you stole this melody

But before he could speak his tongue fell out
And he could not make a sound
And then he jumped on top of me and he grabbed me by the neck
And he pulled me to the ground

Then he hit me in the stomach and he hit me in the face real hard
And I think he almost broke my nose
But just then a lightning bolt came out of nowhere
And struck him between the eyes and killed him instantly

The cat came down from the tree, had a bowl of warm milk
Went to sleep for the night
Railroad Bill is survived by a wife and three small children
Dear God I love to write